Feeling like my life’s a mess and overwhelming

I’ve gone through some serious shit in my life. It feels like my life being perfect is a blatant impossibility being wagged in my face to rub salt in the wound. I’m trying to be strong. I feel so weak.

Some of the stuff I’ve gone through/am going through includes:
abuse
neglect
rape
homelessness
cancer
drugs

amongst other things. I’m only 25 T^T “Ain’t youth ought to be beautiful?” – Marina ‘Teen Idle’

It feels so hopeless. According to Team Free Will I can’t even trust angels… It feels like I can’t trust anyone, at this rate.
I trust maya, Storm, and Jinx. And I guess Yah/Chuck.
I’m going through and have gone through so much. I’m still alive and whole… Though sometimes I feel like a part of me is missing and will never come back. I’m thinking of both my innocence and my soulmate, maya.
I feel so guilty, like everything is my fault. I know deep down it isn’t. It hurts so badly. I feel like I can’t go on. explain the rape tho srsly.
I keep trying to somehow manifest my perfect life. No darkness, grew up with maya, immortal, started band together/ultimate success young, sold out Wembley Stadium indefinitely, got married to maya young. ❤ That is/would be perfect. :3
Instead, this heap of dreams is what has been popping up:

No abuse/”parents”/move out forever/never see them again. Freedom and justice. No diagnosis or medication.
Precious
Music
Gaming
Write
Travel
Entrepreneurship
healing/superhero/mahou shoujo
Memory
Restoration
Koukou
Wealth
magic
Karma, fairness, liberty, rainbow
Immortality
Don’t compare, self to others.
Northern Lights
Swim in Arctic
Battle tactics/fighting/strategy
The perfect year
Harem
Reverse harem
cosplay and make cute roleplaying videos with my friends to upload on YouTube
Astral projection
Lucid dreams
Train hop
Hitchhike
Skydive
Make grimoires
Multiple PHDs
Space ship (The Razor’s edge)
create my own video games, art, clothes, slime
Powers
Perfect year
The perfect summer
The perfect autumn
The perfect winter
The perfect spring
For all my plans to come true swiftly and perfectly
Horses
Cars
Spaceship
Mansion
Chateau
Loft
Castle
Palace
Perfect life
Absolute wealth
Omniscience
Omnipotence
Closure

music/with soulmate/dream home

And that's not even really the tip of the iceberg. I feel so fucking overwhelmed. Perhaps it would be different if I felt I were making tangible, physical progress. Nada, for like over two years now. And I'm getting past my prime if not already.. I'm so angry and upset. UGH.
It feels so hopeless. I'm still being held captive/abused by my fake "parents". I keep praying for salvation. I keep having to force myself to have faith even though I don't want to. Everything is so fucked up. None of this feels worth it.

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